The Story of 5th Hour

A heart trouble indeed – aren’t most troubles so?

Mine have always been. And how many times did I fly

Weeping into the arms of my women kin because some such had torn me apart?

Was I looking for comfort or camaraderie, or was the game in its entirety enough

To satisfy the intense and throbbing boredom of my soul,

Such screamingly painful monotony, that “please, God

Whatever you may do to me in this life else, just take away this cup;

Bring any other poison from the circles of Hell but don’t

Allow me to lay here on my bedroom floor, waves of emotionless

Pain wracking my body for any one second longer!”? Here lies the journal

I kept in those days, flopped open to a page that is doting and meek

At the start, but runs the blue gauntlet down to an entry

Scrawled in all capital letters as by some demon’s hand

“I HAVE ANTS IN MY BONES IN THE VERY MARROW OF MY BONES!!!”

What is it that has been done to me? I was a girl once, that is to say

I was when I met him. The past two years had proven so tumultuous,

My crash landing upon my eighteenth birthday found me very timidly

But startlingly a woman.  And it is that way that he died,

Symbol of the other life I led, the one

Before, that time helped me, without regret, leave far behind

He lies buried somewhere I know quite well

Beneath books and student loans, peeking through

Facebook posts I feel no longer his essence in the night when I lie

Alone, or in the day when I hum a tune, his presence is finally

Divorced from me. I smile now, a genuine smile, a braces-free

Bursting-with-self-confidence-the-sort-of-person-who-makes-friends

And-keeps-them-hello-how-are-you-good-morning-professor

Hey-girl-deadbolt-your-door-I’m-coming-right-back-did-you-hear

What-happened-over-the-weekend-let-us-strive-for-that-which-is

Honorable-beautiful-and-highest-smile. A happiness, contentedness,

Interest, passion, romance, spirit of youth, spiritual experience

Long island iced tea induced smile. A smile is a realization

Of what we have been missing, it is in surprise that our lips turn

And our mouths stretch, the same bodily chemicals that shoot upward

Must both shock and please us, pleasure being inherent surprise

One hand assaults the left chest in a misguided attempt to control

What races there beneath; we close our tired, world-cared eyes

For only a moment to breathe in sharply

Then once more to exhale slower and slower

Until we need not worry about the things of this world,

Until we need not even live any longer

An independent smile fills its purpose